Duel of the Mechs
by Fat Bastard
Summary: Dear Kami sama... Something new... And more humourus...
1. V! V! V! VICTORY!!!!

Strange things have happened. Well, not as strange as this. Imagine, if you will, two different timelines, ten different heros. What happens when we bring them together? Find out in, The Minovsky Zone. Amuro Ray supposedly died in his Nu Gundam while saving the earth from an aestroid launched to earth by his nemisis Char Aznable, pilot of the Sazabi. Camille Vidan became brain dead when a shockwave from the newtype Scirrico as he crashed into the Zeta Gundam. Judo Ashitaka left the crew of the Agama while in the Double Zeta Gundam because he became disinterested in the affairs of "grown ups." Seabook Arno was last seen holding his love, Cecily Fairchild, outside of his mobile suit, the Gundam Formula 91. Kou Uraki was last scene being released from prison for trying to save the earth in his GP-01 FB. Heero Yui was last seen piloting his mobile suit, the Wing Gundam Zero Custom, alongside fellow teammates Duo Maxwell, pilot of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell Custom, Quatra Rebarba Winner, pilot of the Gundam Sandrock Custom, Trowa Barton, pilot of the Gundam HeavyArms Custom, Chang Wufei, pilot of the Gundam Nataku, and his nemisis Zechs Marquise, pilot of the Tallgease III. What is the point? None really. Just thought it would be fun to have them kill one another since they'll never be seen in animation ever again. Well, not in the Gundam universe anyway. Now, what to do with them... Ah, I know. Stick them into the nether regions of space with all of their Gundams fully accessable. Hmmm, yes. I like that. Now what else... Oh, now we need a reason for them to fight one another... I know, the winner receives his own series. Hot damn that really got them going. Now we just sit back and watch.  
  
Match 1 Zeta vs Wing  
  
Heero: I will survive!!!!!  
Camielle: Gah!!!!!  
*Heero fires big frickin' Akira Toriyama beam of hot pulsating death at Camielle. The Zeta dodges, but just barely*  
Camielle: You cheap rip off!!! J00 \/\/|LL D|3 P|-|00L!!!!!!  
*Camielle takes shots at Heero with his beam rifle. Heero barely dodges, somehow.*  
Heero: Hn. He's good.  
*Heero fires another large big frickin' Akira Toryama beam of hot pulsating death at Camielle. Camielle goes into wave rider mode. Heero converts into bird mode. Dogfight time kiddies.*  
Camielle: Yep, just a cheap rip off of my Zeta.  
Heero: Hey, at least mine has a more practical transformation sequence.  
Optimus Prime: Ah, both of them are just rip offs of Transformers.  
Rick Hunter: Hah, your all just rip offs of Robotech.  
Camielle: *slight smirk* Ah, Robotech, how Macross-ian.  
Rick: You girly sonuva-  
Camielle: Did you just call me "girly?"  
Rick: Yeah.  
Heero: Well, yeah, he is right. You do look like a little bitch.  
Optimus: *snicker*  
Camielle: Aw hell no. I did not just hear that.  
*Camielle suddenly goes rather insane, blowing out the cockpit of Rick's VF-1J in a single shot. He then precedes to hack Optimus Prime with his beam saber.*  
*Watching from the bridge of some huge ship that looks like White Base*  
Judau: Optimus Prime's dead again.  
Duo: DRINK!!!!  
*back to the battle*  
Camielle: Call me a little bitch will ya?  
Heero: Let's do this. *suddenly throws away his gun and gets out his beam saber*  
*the two expertly slash at each other. A right arc from Camielle blocked by Heero. A left slash from Heero, blocked by Camielle. The two have reached a stale mate.*  
Heero: Ok. Let's do this Kenshin style.  
Camielle: Ok.  
*the two rush at each other, beam sabers in ready position. They make it to each other and strike. They both go past each other.*  
Camielle: Heh.  
Heero: Oh shit. *he suddenly jumps out of the cockpit and rockets off. Then the Wing explodes.*  
*back on White Base*  
Wufei: Wing's been destroyed again.  
Judau and Duo: *both with lamp shades on their heads* DRINK!!!!  
*back in space*  
Heero: Sonuva... That's the fifth time this week...  
*from bridge of White Base*  
Duo: And it's only Tuesday.  
*space*  
Heero: Shut up Duo.  
*White Base*  
Duo: Bite me.  
*space*  
Heero: Good thing I have Zero with me. No one can beat me in Zero.  
  
Match 2 RX-78-2 'Gundam' vs Sandrock  
*the two stare at each other*  
Amuro: You are no match for Gundam's awesome power.  
Quatra: What? You have a Gundam too?  
Amuro: A Gundam? A Gundam!? A GUNDAM!!??!! This is THE Gundam!!  
Quatra: Wow, I didn't know that there were other Gundam pilots! This is great! Wow, we should all band tog...  
*suddenly Quatra's ramblings are interupted by Amuro chargeing at him with a beam javelin*  
Quatra: Wha..?!  
Amuro: Take this!!!  
*Quatra pulls his shield up to block, but as we all know, in the Universal Century, shields are no match for beam weapons. The beam javelin goes all the way through the shield and takes off a bit of Sandrock's left arm.*  
Quatra: SANDROCK!!! NO!!!!!  
Amuro: Hah, your not so tough!  
*meanwhile back at White Base*  
Wufei: You know, someone really should tell Trowa that his butt buddy is getting put on the big yellow bus driven by Amuro.  
*the other Gundam pilots just look at him*  
Wufei: *sigh* Amuro is taking him to school.  
*sudden look of relization amongst all the pilots.*  
Seabook: Oooooh.  
Duo: Hey, Wufei made a funny!  
Judau: DRINK!!!!  
Duo: Hell yeah, my man!  
*pour each other a drink*  
Wufei: *sigh* This is why I don't like to talk to people... Duo, get your lazy American ass up and go find Trowa.  
Duo: But I don't wanna.  
Wufei: Do it. NOW!!!!  
Duo: Gaaah!!! Yes, sir! Right away sir! *runs off*  
Wufei: I'm surrounded by idiots...  
*somewhere in the officers quarters of White Base*  
Duo: Aw, dammit. Where could he be? This sucks, why do I have to do it? *opening and closing doors* *sigh* God, I wish I was originally put with the cast of Double Zeta... *opens a door, finds Trowa and Frau Brow in a, uh, compromising position... Ok, ok, he's sport porking her.*  
Frau: Oh, Trowa!!!!  
Trowa: ...  
Duo: *suddenly slams door, and quickly puts his back too it as if baracading it, even though it opens from the inside* I did not want to see that...  
Trowa: *opens the door and has a pair of rubber dish gloves on* What do you think your looking at? Er, I mean, ...  
Duo: Um, nothing.  
Trowa: Wanna finish her off?  
Duo: No. Uh, listen, your butt buddy Quatra is getting his ass taken to school.  
Trowa: ... So?  
Duo: Sheesh, thought you might have at least cared.  
Trowa: Now you know.  
Duo: and knowing is half the battle.  
Trowa: Shut up Duo. *turns around, door begins closing behind him*  
Frau: Who are you talking to?  
Trowa: Shut up, I mean, ...  
*door slams shut*  
Duo: *blink, blink. Shudder, shudder* I'll never sleep again.  
*starts walking, is stopped by a VERY drunk Sayla*  
Sayla: Heeeyyy, where do you think your going.  
Duo: Uh, back to the bridge.  
Sayla: Mmmhehmmm, why do that, when you could come to my room?  
Duo: !?!  
Sayla: Come on, or do American's not like blonde French girls?  
Duo: *looks at fourth wall* Ces't la vie! *looks at Sayla* Let's go, sweetcakes.  
Sayla: *giggles, and passes out in Duo's arms*  
Duo: *stares blankly, blinks a few times, looks at fourth wall* It's not easy being the only straight one who doesn't use death threats for pick up lines.  
*back in space*  
Quatra: *almost in tears* nooo, Trowa gave me that shield.  
*white base*  
Trowa: *in mid-thrust* ACHOO!!!!  
Frau: Geizuntheint.  
Trowa: ...  
*space*  
Quatra: Why are we doing this? *He isn't maneuvering well because Sandrock is set for ground combat only, it's not the space edition that was used at the end of Wing.*  
Amuro: Gundam and I need another series!!! *takes off Sandrock's left arm, right forearm, and tip of right foot in one swing of a beam saber*  
Sandrock: it's only a flesh wound!!!!  
Quatra: We... We shouldn't be fighting at all.  
Amuro: Panzy!!! *dismembers Sandrock fully.*  
Sandrock: I can still fight. c'mere! I'll bite yer kneecaps off!  
Quatra: *sets self destruct sequence* Good bye, my friend. *leaps out, making sure that Amuro is still hacking at the Sandrock.* Goodbye, my dear Sandrock.  
Sandrock: panzy. I never liked you anyway.  
*big frickin explosion. Gundam is almost completely destroyed, except for the Core Fighter which took no damage*  
Amuro: Damn it!!! Oh well, I still have Nu Gundam.  
Quatra: Sandrock...  
*arm of Sandrock floats bye. It's middle finger is sticking up.*  
  
Match 3: Double Zeta Gundam vs Wing Gundam Zero  
  
*in the middle of space. The mecha are looking at each other. Inside, Heero is still a bit shaken at having Wing destroyed by Camielle. Judau is very hung over though. Will a hungover newtype be any match for the perfect solider? Perfect soldier, bah. He's just a pretty boy in a mecha.*  
  
Heero: Zero says your my enemy.  
Zero: no I didn't. I said you smell like poo gas. idiot.  
Judau: Fuck this. I'm not in the mood.  
*Judau activates the hyper mega canon in it's head. If you don't know what that is, here's a simplified version. You know the big frickin Akira Toriyama (guy who made DBZ) beam of hot pulsating death that the Wing fires? You times that by two and you get the Wing Zero's blast. Time the Wing Zero's blast by about 4 or 5 and you might get the hyper mega canon. In other words, the cockpit of the Wing Zero is all thats left... And that's only cause Heero is a main charecter.*  
Heero: *blink* What the hell was that!?!  
*white base*  
Wufei: Looks like Zero has met it's match.  
Kou: *whistle* Damn. Hate to be the guy in Zero, tell you that much.  
Duo: Heh, so much for the perfect soldier.  
Kai: You took the words out of my mouth.  
*back in space*  
Heero: Zero. Zero. Talk to me.  
Zero: rooossseeeebuuuuuuuddddddd.....  
Heero: Zero?  
Zero: daisy. daisy.  
Heero: Dammitt. Now I've only got the Wing Zero Custom left. This sucks.  
*Judau returns to the white base docking bay, cockpit of Zero in tow*  
Judau: Oh, my frickin' head. I'm so wasted. Whassup?  
Duo: Whassup?  
Kai: Whassup?  
*the three do this for a while*  
Wufei: *sigh* Why must they bring up popular fads of the late twentieth century?  
Kou: What you say?  
Wufei: We get signal. Main screen turn on.  
*Camielle walks into the docking bay*  
Camielle: Alright, where is the guy who called me a little bitch!!  
*Duo looks at Judau*  
Duo: Fight?  
Judau: Fight.  
Duo: Kitchen?  
Judau: Kitchen.  
*Heero comes out of Zero's cockpit*  
Camielle: You Heero Yui?  
Heero: Yeah, why?  
Camielle: This is why! *suddenly kicks Heero in the head and sends him flying, but he lands on his feet*  
Heero: Oh, that's it. Let's get this party started. *pulls off space suit, is in the same damn green shirt he always wears, but he's in a pair of pants this time.*  
Camielle: Yah!   
*Camielle jumps at Heero, legs extended for a drop kick, Heero dodges and hits Camielle in the back.*  
Heero: Heh.  
Camielle: Grrr. *hair starts turning gold*  
Heero: Great. *hair turns gold and gets spikey. More spikey than usual*  
Camielle: Gaaaaaaaahhh!!! *Hair turns completely gold and extends down to his knees*  
Heero: Unnhh. *Hair turns black and long and red hair grows all over him*  
Camielle: Eeeyaaahhh!!!!! *samething happens to Camielle*  
*suddenly Bright Noah comes in*  
Bright: Hey, you two know the rules. No DBZ type fights on the ship. If you want to settle this go outside or follow the rules and use John Woo style fighting.  
Camielle and Heero: *suddenly go back to normal* Awwwwww...  
Bright: Well then, get your guns and go to the exceptionally large and convienetly unoccupied docking area that is home to a family of doves.  
Heero and Camielle: Okaaaaayyy... *pick up their guns and leave*  
Duo: *holding a bag, looks at Judau* Porkrind? *holds up said snack*  
Judau: Porkrind! *takes said snack from Duo and shoves it into mouth*  
  
Match 4: GP-01 vs Shenlong  
  
Kou: Let's see how you hold up against this baby.  
Wufei: Give me your best shot.  
*Kou manuvers the GP-01 over to Wufei, then relizes it hasn't been converted for space combat*  
Kou: Crap. Oh well, his isn't for space combat either. Yah!!!! *takes beam saber and slashes at Shenlong. Wufei easily dodges and manuvers behind Kou*  
Wufei: Is that the best you can do?  
Kou: Huh? How did you do that?  
Wufei: Nataku is an all purpose mobile suit. It can easily manuver in space.  
Kou: Great. I smell an ass whoopin'.  
Wufei: You are too weak.  
*Wufei cuts all of the appendages off of the GP-01, saving the head for last*  
Wufei: I wanted you to see just how weak you are, and why you should never fight against me again. *suddenly crushes head of GP-01*  
Kou: *now in darkness* Great. Why the hell am I even here if I get my ass whooped so much?  
*white base*  
Bright: Because the kid from V Gundam decided not to show up.  
*space*  
Kou: *sigh* It makes sense.  
*off in the background, the Shining Gundam watches. Inside is Dommon Kasshu.*  
Dommon: Great, it's that damn Dragon Gundam again. Oh well, might as well get this over with.  
*flies over where Wufei is currently kicking the torso of the GP-01 with the Shenlong just cause he can*  
Wufei: Fool, you are too weak to even stop me from doing this. You should have never even gotten in my way.  
Kou: Yeah, yeah, whatever. *found a light and is currently reading a Gundam model kit magazine* Damn, a Mass Produced Double Zeta. Heh, that's almost too unfair of an advantage...  
Dommon: SHINING FINGER!!!!!!  
*the hand of the Shining Gundam starts glowing a mean shade of red.*  
Wufei: Huh?  
Dommon: YAHHHH!!!!!  
*Shining Gundam grabs the head of the Shenlong and crushes it*  
Wufei: Huh? How? Where did all of my cameras go?  
Dommon: Well, I win.  
*the Shining Gundam flies off*  
*white base*  
Quatra: It looks like Wufei was easily beaten...  
Judau & Duo: *pants over their heads* DRINKS FOR THE KINGS OF NO PANTS!!!!!!  
Amuro: Oh kami sama, why couldn't they be the kings of pants?  
Roy Foker: *drunk as hell* You think that's something? Take a look at this!!! *pulls off his pants, then promptly passes out*  
Quatra: Ooooo!!!  
Amuro: I'm surrounded by idiots. And the sad part is that these guys were given Gundams!!  
Bright: Actually Amuro, he's from Macross.  
Amuro: Than what's he doing here?  
Bright: I guess he got drunk and docked on the wrong ship.  
Amuro: And how in the hell did he get past our defenses?  
Bright: Because he's a main charecter in his series and should be treated with respect.  
*both look over at Foker, who's still passed out and has drool running out of his mouth, and Quatra looking at him rather... funny.*  
Bright: Maybe we should get him away from here.  
Amuro: Right.  
*both grab Quatra and take him away from the bridge*  
  
Match 5: Formula 91 vs Deathscythe  
  
Duo: *still wasted* Damn man... Where am I? What's going on?  
Seabook: Your about to die.  
Duo: That's impossible.  
Seabook: Why's that?  
Duo: Cuase of a few reasons.  
Seabook: And they are?  
Duo: One, I still have two Gundams left. B.) I'm a main charecter. And lastly, I'M THE GOD OF DEATH!!!!!!  
*Deathscythe suddenly twrils it's scythe, ends in a quick bad assed pose, and suddenly launches after the F-91*  
Seabook: Huh? Ok. *takes out beam saber and flies at the Deathscythe*  
*F-91 makes a few slashes at the Deathscythe, but as we all know Duo is a master of the Drunken Mecha style of piloting, so he easily avoids all of Seabook's attacks*  
Seabook: How in the hell can you do that?  
Duo: I am one with the mecha... I can bend it to my will... There is no beam scissors...  
Seabook: Riiiight. *suddenly converts the F-91 to it's equivelent of Super Sayi-jin mode.* Now let's try this.  
*The F-91 is now faster than the Deathscythe, able to actually hit it now, but Deathscythe isn't out of the fight. It uses it's buster shield. Duo launches it while F-91's back is turned, hiting the generator*  
Seabook: DAMMIT!! *jumps out and is picked up by Duo.*  
Seabook: My mother made that mobile suit.  
F-91: *it blows up immiediately after*  
*they go back to white base. Seabook looks out of a window, Duo approaches*  
Seabook: I suck.  
Duo: No you don't.  
Seabook: Yes I do.  
Duo: Why do you say that?  
Seabook: Look at me! I look like Shinji from Evangelion!!!!!!  
Duo: Oh, in that case, yeah you do suck. Later, suck boy.  
Seabook: Damn Shinji.  
*all of a sudden a plot hole opens from out of no where*  
Duo: HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY!!!!!!!!  
Seabook: Jenkies!!!!  
*all of a sudden, the figure of an eighteen year old girl slowly makes her way to the newtype and the pretty boy. From the looks of it, it looks like the author's roommate*  
Kae: Ohayo!!!!  
Seabook: *blink* Gaaaaaa~*drool escapes from the corner of mouth*  
Duo: I am the God of Death's rageing hormones.  
*the plothole begins closing*  
Kae: Hmmm... Stay here with pretty boys or go back to him.....  
*suddenly a voice is heard from the other end of the plothole*  
Zig: Hey Kae! This Ranma ep has Kuno in it!!!!  
Kae: Zoinks!!!! *jumps through plothole back in to reality*  
Seabook: What in the hell?  
Duo: Hmmm, must have been a plothole, which means the F-91 is now fully repared. Wanna fight again?  
Seabook: Let's do this!!!!  
  
Bonus match 1: Zaku II Custom vs Tallgeese I  
  
*A few hours before the Gundam pilots were kidnapped, er, I mean, abducted, uh, brought from their respective series, Char Aznable and Zechs Marquise meet on the field of battle, or "battlefield" as I like to call it. The pinkish red of Char Aznable's Zaku II Custom gleamed in the shadows of space. The dirty off white of the Tallgeese was highly visable as well. Inside the pilots of the mecha looked at each other through the vidlink*  
  
Char & Zechs: Dude, you look like me!!  
Char: Mon Dieu!!  
Zechs: Je suis fromage derriere!!!!  
Char: Je suis pantalons vinylle au morte!  
Zechs: Tu es pirate derriere!  
Char: Alright, enough talking in French.  
Zechs: Oui Oui.  
Char: Oh, you are so dead you Monster Rancher sounding little fucker.  
Zechs: You want piece of me bitch?  
Char: I want the whole damned thing!!  
*the two rush at each other. Char begins firing his machine gun at Zechs, but, since the Tallgeese is made of Titanium Alloy the bullets fly off*  
Char: Huh?  
Zechs: Heh heh heh heh. Your pink, uh... What the hell is that anyway?  
Char: !!!! It's a Zaku II!!!! And it's not pink, it's RED!!!!!! *Char suddenly launches at Zechs, pulling out his heat hawk* Take this!! *being that Char is a new type, he easily is able to maneuver around Zechs and hack the Tallgeese into several small pieces*  
Zechs: *still in shock* Not even Heero Yui was able to do that... Wh-who are you?  
Char: Char Aznable. And you might be?  
Zechs: Z-Zechs Marquise.  
Char: Well then. Au revoir.  
Zechs: Au revoir.  
  
Bonus match 2: Heero vs Camielle  
  
*In the the exceptionally large and convienetly unoccupied docking area that is home to a family of doves, Heero and Camille stare at each other, guns drawn*  
Heero: *doing the patented Heero Yui Glare of Death (TM)* Hn.  
Camielle: *doing the patented Angst Ridden Mecha Pilot Glare of Your About To Get the Shit Knocked Out of You* Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...  
*both begin running sideways, hand guns firing at, oddly enough, fully automatic mode. They begin doing various acrobatic feats like jumping onto a box and flipping over, managing to roll sideways, and doing, for no apparent reason, a front flip from where they stand, landing on their back, and lets not forget knocking their guns four feet in the air just by stepping on them... Next thing you know both have the barrels of their guns pointed at each other's eyes, when all of a sudden a shrill voice cuts through the the exceptionally large and convienetly unoccupied docking area that is home to a family of doves.*  
Voice: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  
Heero: Oh god.  
Camielle: What?  
Heero: It's Relena...  
Camielle: Who?  
Heero: You'll see...  
Relena: *suddenly coming from the shadows* Oh Heeeerrroo, I knew you'd come here! *suddenly glomps Heero. Now, the entire scene turns SD.*  
Relena: Heeeeerrroooo, oh, Heeeerrrrooooo, I missed you so much. I've looking everywhere for you and blah blah blah more and more of Relena's whining, yadda yadda yadda...  
*during Relena's speech, Heero is struggling to get out of Relena's adamantium tight grasp. He tries a crowbar, hacksaw, lightsaber, scissors, a shoe horn. He even fires a few shots into Relena's head. Nothing works. Camielle is just standing there, eyes wide. All of a sudden, a noise is heard, and the scene returns to OAV quality animation.*  
All: Huh?  
*they all look in awe as another plothole appears, and again, the author's room mate, Kae, steps through. This time with a flamethrower.* DIE BITCH!! *fires a big blast of fire at Relena, the scene becomes SD again, and Relena begins to run around covored in flames. Somehow, Heero wasn't even touched. Both Camille and Heero watch Relena running around aimlesly, a look of bewilderment in their eyes.*  
Kae: *obviously saddened by the fact that Relena is STILL alive, begins yelling back at the plothole* Kevin, she's still alive. What should I do now?  
Kevin: Jet Fuel! Jet Fuel!  
*suddenly, Heero and Camielle's eyes double in size*  
Kae: Oh yeah. *pulls out a little squeeze bottle marked jet fuel.* Hee hee, survive this one bitch.  
*Kae squeezes the liquid onto Relena. the scene pulls back into a far off shot and the entire room is consumed in a big ball of fire, with the sound effect "BOOM" written on it in big red letters. The scene cuts to Kae, Heero, and Camielle, eyes wide, mouths open, and completely blackened. Relena is now a pile of ashes shaped like Relena. A breeze comes from out of no where, presumabely another one of those damn plothole thingies, and blows Relenas ahses away. The animation returns to OAV quaility. Heero and Camielle both look at Relena, then Heero jerks the bottle of jet fuel out of Kae's hand. Even though he's not there, Wufei's voice is heard.*  
Wufei: Baka onna. *translation: Stupid woman.*  
Kae: Uh, I think I had better leave now... *suddenly jumps back through the plothole*  
*Heero and Camielle both look at each other.*  
Camielle: Everclear and Haiwaiin Punch?  
Heero: Yep.  
*both head for the kitchen of the ship* 


	2. Majin Go! Majin Go!

Match 6: Deathscythe vs Formula 91 - take 2  
  
Duo: Alright lunchbox, let's try this again.  
Seabook: I'm so gonna kick your ass.  
Duo: Nobody can beat the God of Death!!!! *twirls beamscythe around and is about to strike a bad assed pose, but Seabook takes advantage of Duo's flashy ways and converts to the F-91's equivalent of Super Saiyai-jin mode, flys over, and cuts the the Deathscythes head and arms off.*  
Duo: *blink, blink*  
Seabook: I win.  
Duo: *blink, blink* I need a drink...  
*Duo is about to eject from the cockpit of Deathscythe when another plothole opens. Out of it comes the Deathscythe Hell*  
Duo: *blink,blink* YAY!!!! *launches out of the cockpit at the Deathscythe Hell, but Seabook notices it too. He runs over and cuts the left arm off*  
Duo: The hell did you do that for?  
Seabook: Cause F-91 should have been a series dammit. It should have been a series!!!!  
Duo: Geeze, this guys a nut... *gets into his wounded Deathsycthe Hell* C'mon buddy, we're here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And you know what?  
Deathscythe Hell: we're all outta ass, wait, that's not it...  
Duo: Close enough.  
Seabook: Who the hell are you talking too?  
Duo: My buddy Deathsycthe Hell.  
Seabook: You talk to your mecha?  
Duo: Hey, Wufei does it too. And so does Quatra, and Heero. Hell, Trowa talks to HeavyArms more than he talks to us.  
Seabook: *blinkblink* God I'm glad I wasn't in Wing...  
Duo: I wish I was in Double Zeta actually... You don't know how many times I've had to turn the hose on Quatra and the Maguanoc Corps... *shuddershudder*  
Seabook: *look of shock and utter disgust* Ewwwwwww.... I thought the author hated yaoi...  
*a booming voice is heard*  
Zig: I do, but, I mean, c'mon, it's Quatra. You've seen him, right?  
Seabook: ... yeah...  
Zig: See? You can't really blame me. At least I didn't pair him with Trowa like oh so many fan fics nowadays...  
Duo: Hey, you alluded to it!!  
Zig: Not neccessarily... Notice, Trowa was banging Frau Brow.  
Duo: I'll never forget that either...  
Zig: What's so wrong with that?  
Duo: I am the God of Death's raging bile duct.  
Seabook: But that still doesn't mean you didn't allude to Quatra and Trowa.  
Duo: Yeah.  
Zig: No, no. You have it all wrong. Wufei alluded to it.  
Duo: Wufei? ... that's right... he did...  
Zig: Don't you remember Wufei saying things like "stupid woman" "women are stupid" "women are weak" "women are FOR the weak?"  
Duo: You don't mean...  
Zig: Mmmmhmmmm.  
*back on White Base*  
Wufei: Spider senses tingling...  
*back in space*  
Duo: Dude!! Woah!! Not Wufei!! Wufei isn't like that!! I mean, he was married or something like that...  
Zig: He was with his wife because it was an arranged marriage.  
Seabook: *blinkblink*  
Duo: So that's why he cried when he killed Treize... He...  
Zig: Yep.  
Duo: Ewww...  
Wufei: *over loud speakers on a Valkrye from Macross 7* The author is stupid. I am not gay.  
Zig: So you hate gay people.  
Wufei: I never said-  
Zig: So you love them.  
Wufei: Yes. Wait, no. I mean-  
Zig: Classic self loather. Uncomfortable with his own sexuality.  
Wufei: ... Goddamn I hate everyone here...  
Duo: Hey man, that was kinda mean...  
Zig: Hey, look at it this way, this is one of the few fan fics where your straight.  
Duo: Hey, you're right! Hey, why didn't I get to do the humpty hump with that frenchie chick?  
Zig: Cause her brother would have kicked your ass.  
Duo: No he couldn't.  
Zig: He could kill you in a ball...  
Duo: AHHH!!!!  
Seabook: This must be the legendary Char Aznable.  
Zig: Yep.  
Duo: Char? Wait, you mean...  
Zig: Yep, the guy Quatra was supposed to be a clone of.  
Seabook: Huh?  
Zig: This was something that few know. Not even Quatra knows it, or, if he does, he chooses not to believe it. See, back when Project: Meteor was originally supposed to be taking over Earth it was decided that one of the greatest leaders and pilots in history must be cloned in order to succede. Char Aznable was choosen. They found some of his cells in cold storage, yet, at some point in the Future Century the cells were contaminated and altered, presumably by the Devil Gundam Corps in an effort to stop Neo Japan from creating an advisary more powerful than Dommon. This effort proved to be fruitless since Neo-Japan was unaware of Char's existance... Only Neo-France was. Still, in After Colony 177, a cloning effort was under way. Some cells were spliced together in an effort to create perfect soldiers. In AC 179 they found victory. Heero was the victory. Heero is the combination of Amuro Rei and Camille Vidan. Heero was their success... Quatra was their failure. Heero was given directly to Doctor J, while Quatra was sold to the sonless Winner family, and was raised as their own.  
Duo: But what about Zechs?  
Zig: Oh, Zechs. He's actually a direct decendent of Char, oddly enough.  
Seabook: But Char didn't have any children...  
Zig: How do you explain Iron Mask?  
Seabook: Then that means...  
Zig: Yep, Cecily is a Zeon by blood. And since Zechs is a decendant of Char...  
Seabook: Holy shit...  
Zig: God but I love being evil!!  
Seabook: Wait... Aren't I supposed to be some sort of decendant of Amuro in this fan fic?  
Zig: Heh heh...  
Seabook: Wait, how the hell can you explain that one?  
Zig: Oh, c'mon man. Don't be so stupid. There was a seven year lapse between the One Year War and the AEUG's fight with the Titans. Amuro was THE hero of the One Year War. You couldn't expect him to not get a little action every now and again... And he had a daughter by the way...  
Seabook: Mom!?!  
Zig: My, we're certainly very perceptive.  
Duo: Anyway, back to this cloning thing. Was I a clone of anyone?  
Zig: Nope. That's also why your one of the strongest. Your a natural and have no conflicting talents confusing your system.  
Duo: Cool. And Wufei?  
Zig: Wufei isn't, his wife was. She was a strange combination of Sayla Mass, Layla Sun, and Chein Agi.  
Duo: Two Newtypes and a normal?  
Zig: She kinda needed to be Chinese.  
Duo: Ahhhhh. Oh, what about Trowa?  
Zig: Trowa?  
Duo: Yeah.  
Zig: Oh... Oddly enough Trowa is a decendent of Kai Shinden.  
Duo: *blinkblink* Wait... I've been playing drinking games with one of Trowa's ancestors?  
Zig: Actually I can trace you back to Judau...  
Duo: I am the God of Death's complete shock.  
Zig: I said it before and I'll say it again...  
All: "Man but I love being evil."  
Duo: ... wait... Your coming up with all of this!?!  
Zig: Yes...  
Duo: So it's all bullshit then.  
Zig: Hey man, it ties everything together better than Turn-A Gundam.  
Duo: Fuck you man. I'm not listening to one goddamn word you say from now on... *suddenly a collar appears around everyone's necks* The hell?  
Zig: Ever heard of Battle Royal?  
Duo: You sonuva-  
Zig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAHAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!  
Seabook: What's Battle Royal.  
Zig: Glad you asked. You see, Battle Royal was about Japan being overpopulated and teenagers over running the country. To contend with this, the Japanese government institued the Battle Royal. Basicly, in the end there can be only one. They have three days to kill each other off. If more than one is left after those three days, they all die.  
Seabook: How can they all die?  
Zig: They had collars attatched to them which could not be removed. Were they to be tampered with, it would blow up.  
Seabook: Wouldn't we have the technology to take these off now?  
Zig: Look closely at them.  
*Seabook and Duo look clkosely at their collars.*  
Both: "Made by Plothole Systems Inc. Appearing in stories since the begining of time." Aw shit.  
Zig: Ain't I ya stinker? Naga naga nooch! *voice fades away*  
Duo: Wait, this means we have to kill each other, right?  
Seabook: Yeah, I guess.  
Duo: Than we have to get back to White Base now.  
Seabook: Why?  
Duo: Because, we have to settle this in our final mecha. Trowa has to get HeavyArms blown appart so he can get the HeavyArms Custom.  
Seabok: Who is he supposed to fight?  
Duo: I dunno...  
*something is heard*  
Zig: *coughJudaucough*  
*it goes away*  
Duo: I swear he hates us.  
Seabook: Hey, who was the clever asshole who thought to cuss out the author.  
Duo: Hey, you know what? Lick. My. Balls.  
Seabook: I thought the author said you weren't gay.  
Duo: ... Shut up, Shinji.  
Seabook: Now that was just cold.  
  
Match 7: HeavyArms vs Double Zeta  
  
Judau: Hey, how ya doin'? Don't think I've met you before...  
Trowa: ...  
Judau: Uh, hey, do you think you can say something?  
Trowa: ...  
Judau: Hey, third time's a charm, right?  
Trowa: ...  
Judau: Uh...  
*the scene goes SD*  
HeavyArms: look, he's not gonna talk. I'm truly sorry about this, but he never talks to anyone. not even Quatra. *sigh* really, I think he needs to go see a pyschiatrist myself, but he never listens to me. you know, I really think it effects his piloting skills. I really do. if he'd just talk to someone once in a while -blahblahblah, you get the picture- and that's the secret of the universe.  
Judau: Wow... I feel so enlightened now...  
Trowa: ... *holds up sign like Genma from Ranma 1/2*  
Sign: "Wow, I feel so much better about myself now. I don't think I could kill anyone ever again."  
HeavyArms: well that makes me feel so much better. *sniffsniff* if mecha could cry, I certainly would.  
Trowa: ...  
Sign: "But, on the downside, I must self destruct you now..."  
HeavyArms: huh?  
Trowa: ...  
Sign: "Yo, Judau, wanna gimme a hand here?"  
Judau: Right!  
HeavyArms: what? what?  
Trowa: *setting self destruct sequence, opening hatch and jumping into the Double Zeta's hand* ...  
Sign: "Sorry, but you know how these things go. Well, we're off."  
Trowa: ... *turns sign around*  
Sign: "Judau, gun it!!!"  
Judau: Gotcha!!  
*the Double Zeta rockets off with Trowa in it's hand. The HeavyArms suddenly explodes in a firey haze*  
Judau: I love fireworks. Don't you Trowa. Trowa? *looks at hand on viewscreen*  
*Trowa has been squezzed to death by accident and is now a floating mass of blood*  
Trowa: ...  
Sign: Urk...  
Judau: Woops.... Um...  
*The Double Zeta lifts up it's foot and wipes Trowa under it. Then it puts it's hands behind it's back and manages to look like it's whistleing innocently as it jets off.*  
*the scene goes un-SD and a close up of Trowa on the bottom of Judau's foot is seen. Japanese suddenly comes up, subtitled in English.*  
Subtitles: "Trowa Barton, 1 down, 8 to go."  
  
Match 8 Nu Gundam vs Sandrock Kai  
  
Amuro: There's no way I can lose now.  
Quatra: I still think we shouldn't be fighting at all.  
Sandrock Kai: i still think i hate you.  
Quatra: Oh Sandrock... *tearing up* Your so good to me...  
Sandrock Kai: go to hell.  
Amuro: Fin Funnel!!!! GO!!  
*All of a sudden, the fin funnels of the Nu GUndam launch out, dissmembering the Sandrock. First the left arm, then the right leg, then the head, half of the left leg is also destroyed. The funnels pull back then.*  
Quatra: SAAAAAANNNDROOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!  
Sandrock Kai: *sigh*(... if mecha could sigh that is) i hate my excistance...  
Quatra: Don't worry Sandrock... I'll put you out of your misery for you...  
Sandrock Kai: not again...  
Quatra: Self destruct sequence has been innitiated... Good bye, Sandrock. *leaps out*  
Sandrock Kai: why you little fuc-  
*Quatra rockets to the White Base as the Sandrock Kai explodes. This time Amuro's Gundam is left undamaged.*  
Amuro: Oh yeah... Who tha newtype? Who tha newtype?  
*back on White Base*  
Bright: You tha newtype.  
*back in space*  
Amuro: Awwwww yeah...  
*back on White Base*  
Wufei: When did Bright and Amuro turn ghetto?  
Judau and Duo: *drunk* TEQUILLA!!!!!!  
Heero, Camille, and Shinji: *drinking* I hate my life...  
Issamu (from Macross Plus): Where all the ladies at?  
Christina MacKenzie (from Mobile Suit Gundam 0080): Hey handsome, feel like a redhead?  
Bernie (also from 0080): Chris!!!  
Christina: Bite me Bernie or I'll kill you AGAIN... Anyway, what's your name?  
Issamu: Name's Issamu... Hey, you sound sorta familure... *if you get the joke, then you've obviously played Super Robot Wars Alpha and have seen Macross Plus. I'd explain, but I'm too damn lazy.*  
*they walk off together. Bernie goes over to where Camielle, Seabook, and Shinji from Neon Genisis Evangelion are sitting.*  
Heero, Camielle, Shinji, and Bernie: *drink* I hate my life. *drink*  
  
Bonus 3: The author speaks  
  
*another plothole opens and out steps the author inot white space*  
Zig: Ok folks I thik it's time to address some of the reviews I've gotten... Now, the first one to address is the thing about the crappy screenplay style. You see, I've been writing like this for a while now and I sort of like it. I do write "real" stories, as the person put it. I do, in fact, have another story up on this very site in the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness section. I just thought that since this story is mainly dialogue heavy I should just write it like this. Also, there's a very subtle joke in here. Too bad no one caught it, but did anyone notice the part about the pilots getting a new series? And this is written in a screenplay style? ... Nevermind... It's a bit of a stretch to begin with... Next, the comment on Newtyoes vs Wing boys. As of the year 2000, the Newtype stats were higher than Wing boy stats. How do I know this? Super Robot Wars Alpha. Next, the issue of G Gundam. Place this in the Super Robot Wars universe or blame it on a plothole... The damn things keep sprouting all over the place. Now, the part about the dragon and shenlong gundams. Too be honest, the Shenlong is a rip of the Dragon. This is even more evident when the Shenlong is replaced with the Alstron. I'm playing up on the rips. Also, the reason I keep pitting Amuro vs Quatra is because of the fact that they have the same voice actor in the US version. Any other question can probably be answered by plotholes. Sometimes I can't even control them. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be going.  
*atempts to walk through wall and bangs into it*  
Zig: Sonuva- Oh shit... I left the keys on the table... Dammit... Oh wait.. they're right here. LAter.  
*this time succeds in walking through wall* 


End file.
